Do we ever really change?

I recently met up with an ex of mine. This has, to this date, been the only person outside of my family I have ever truly loved. There were many reasons why we broke up. I’m not going into detail about that but what I do want to talk about is how when I met up with her, she claimed on 3 separate occasions when we met up, how she had changed. From what she said and how she acted, I agree she has changed. She has become a lot more extroverted. A lot more outspoken, and even though it was a bad break up I was proud that she can express herself this way. Though she would go into some details about what she had been up to since we were dating and then say how much she had changed. From what I could tell the new outspokenness was the only change. She was still the same overly critical women. Finding an issue with someone then turning that singular issue into a black hole. I was wary about meeting up with her to be honest. The whole, is there still feelings etc thing was hanging over my head. Thankfully no there wasn’t. There was nothing like that at all. It was just a meet up, with a girl I used to date. Nothing more. She showed me in how she acted and what she said, that I made the right decision when I did.

Now don’t get me wrong, I loved her for all her good parts. But what was bad was terrible between us. I would like to think I’ve learned from the experience, I don’t make a claim that since we dated, I’ve changed. All I can do is learn from each new experience and hope I take on what I need to keep moving forward in this messed up world. With her, I clearly did. With everything going on in my life just now, I think I just needed to touch the past a bit, and for a time, she made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I’m glad we met up, and I see how she hadn’t changed. How she was still that same person. This isn’t an attack on her at all, this is more of an exploration of do we really change. She claimed to do so, and I met another girl some time ago who always claimed to be “so self-aware” of herself and her friends. But this was a lie, she barely knew what she wanted form life, she constantly walked into stupid life positions, and couldn’t understand her friends at all.

All this makes me wonder, why do people need to claim they have changed, or they know who they are? No one really does. It’s a fucked up mad world, we are all tumbling down the rabbit hole hoping for something to make sense eventually. I embrace the madness, I want to be in this chaotic world more than anything. I don’t want a certain future, I don’t want control. Because both are lies, we can change, but when you think you have changed, all this proves is you haven’t even walked far enough for your old self to be considered a shell. We change and grow and learn about ourselves through trial and error, the good and the bad. What is the point in over analysing the past, accept it happened and move on. Learn from it, don’t hide away from it, if you experienced pain, then use it as a tool. If you experienced joy, then, use it to keep you going through dark times.

We can change but we can’t just claim we have, we must struggle and suffer and fight to change who we are. The good the bad and the mad. I do hope my ex and the other girl I mentioned learn from their mistakes, my ex especially. I hope she doesn’t keep claiming how much she changes, holding onto the change as a crutch, but grows as a person.

With all the madness going on in my life right now, I don’t think I will be pursuing a friendship with my ex. Nothing good can come from it. But something good did come from meeting with her. I now know I made the right choice. That it wasn’t a mistake. In meeting up with her I realised just how messed up I could have become if we had stayed together. I can see all the pain I would have went through, well both of us. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders for this. Like a breath of fresh air that was desperately needed.